i saw an ad once for subway and how they wont judge you for what you order, so i was determined to try and weird them out for my choice in food. so i walked into a subway, and they asked me "what can i get you?" i responded, "i would like a footlong of your wheat bread." they then asked, " what would you like on top?" i replied, "nothing." i bought the bread and walked away. the look on the employees faces were priceless. mission: successful!

watch this without laughing and I will pay you $1000!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ulEqGL82Igo

http://audioboo.fm/Bobbang1

this is what happens when I try to play golf...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=358wSZI7WUw

so i was walking around town yesterday when i was approached by a mime. he started mocking me and repeating my every move. i tried to outsmart him my mocking him mocking me back at him. this did not work. so i started running into walls and seeing if he would do the same. he only pretended to run into an imaginary wall. i started to get furious. so i took a bucket of water and splashed him in the face, hoping he would melt like the witch in the wizard of oz. but what i saw changed my life forever. i saw...... a black man. who ever would have known that under all that white makeup was a black man. my mind has been blown from then on.

today, i would like to discuss my perfect house. my house would be just a closet. a 6 foot by 6 foot closet. when you walked inside, you would be greeted by my pet, the evil rabbit from monty python and the holy grail. The rabbit is my guard bunny to keep me safe from intruders. the only other thing in my house would be a glass of milk. if you drink the milk, you will see there is a button at the bottom of the glass. push the button, and the ground will open up and a water slide would appear. take the water slide all the way down and you will see my REAL house. my underground mansion! in it, there is a candy room where aaron carter sings i want candy to me and my guests. i would also have another room specifically for paintball or laser tag. i would also have my own aquarium where i keep all of my exotic fish. These fish would be trained not to attack and you could swim with them. i would also have a submarine that looks like a squid. next to my aquarium, i would have a virtual reality room that simulated the world of minecraft. i would be able to do everything i could in minecraft except for flight. i could also die and respawn in this world. my bed would be a tempur pedic with brown pillows in the middle, a yellow blanket on top of that, and another tempur pedic on top so it would look like a cheeseburger. because as everyone knows, you cant have a goodnights sleep unless your on a cheeseburger. i would also have a batcave with actors that simulated villains so i could beat them to a pulp and once again save gotham city. to top everything off, i would have a pool of Gatorade because if Gatorade is better than water, than i think if i swam in gatorade i would be able to swim faster. this would be my perfect house and everyone would be allowed over... except for Pete Ippolito.

the other day, i watched Titanic for the first time. i was so moved that when i went to take a shower that night, i ended up singing Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On." i sand my little heart out. i sang to the high heavens themselves, like an angel. i was singing so well, the little blue birds flew through my window and started singing with me. a deer walked in and started listening to my beautiful pipes. by the time i got out of the shower, i had my own fan base of all the enchanted animals from the forest. i bowed in front of them and they applauded me. A couple of hours later, i walked outside to get the paper, and i was greeted by snow white. i said to her, "greetings! how may i help you?" her eyes turned bright red and she said in a demonic voice, "your voice stole the enchanted creatures from my forest! you must suffer!" she then pulled out a sword and attacked me. i pulled out my light saber and went to cut her sword in half. but it didnt work because she had excalibur. we battled for hours. we were bleeding all throughout our bodies, she lunged and she slashed and i blocked and i swang my lightsaber toward her evil demonic soul. I started to get tired and she started to win, and with one final swing of her sword, she knocked the lightsaber out of my hands. she leaned in toward me and said, " your soul shall perish to the deep depths of the underworld." she raised her sword to finish me off, when all of a sudden, brick from the movie anchorman threw a trident through her heart. He smiled, winked at me, and defeated the evil snow white. I said to him, "thank you, oh wise brick, for saving my life." he looked at me and said the most inspiring words i had ever heard, "your lucky my mermaid expired!" i will never forget those words. as i watched him ride off into the sunset on his furry tractor, my eyes began to tear. I said to myself, "that is the most beautiful and wisest man i had ever laid my purple eyes on." I will never forget the man, THE LEGEND, that is.... Brick Tamland!

feeling pretty lazy today, here are some pictures of monkeys.

on the eve of my toenail, i liked to smell a sandwich. this was a holiday tradition and it never failed me before. until one day, i was walking down the hallway smelling this delicious peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwhich when i bumped into a brick wall named anthony fastuca. i fell to the floor and looked up only to see him standing over me. his nostrils were flaring and he glared down at me and said, "Hey boy! give me your sandwhich!" i said, " you dont understand, this is a magical sandwhich that can grant me 1 wish." he leaned in and whispered into my ear, " I dont care... im a wild boy!" he took my sandwhich, took a bite, and floated off into the air. he cried out, " WHATS HAPPENING!?!?" i told him, "i told you, its a magical sandwhich that only grant ME one wish. and i wished for you to float off into the magical game of candy land. the only way for you to escape is to make it all the way to the candy kingdom." he cried out, "NOOOOOOOO!" and he floated off. i havent seen him ever since..... until last month. but thats a story for another time. until then, tune in next time to find out what i think my perfect house would look like.]

well guys, we made it through our football careers. i wish i was there with you guys to play all four years, but sadly i didn't and it is one of my greatest regrets. we had our fun and we shared some laughs. i had a great time with you guys and wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. i will never forget this football season. we went through it all. we went through injuries, drug problems, and quitters. but the weak have fallen and the strong have survived, and i wouldnt have had it any other way. i am very proud of each and every one of you guys and love you all. thank you all for such a memorable season that i can look back on through the years and smile about. i will never forget you guys and wish you all the best of luck in your college careers. maybe one day we can all get together and try to do it again with some backyard football. until then, i'll miss playing with you guys. good luck everybody.  
                                                                                                                              -Quinlan
 

for all of you who are tired of hearing false weather reports, please follow me on my website at http://aquindoppler.wordpress.com/ and i will give you the true weather! salvation has arrived my friends!

   
if this blog gets 100 views, Justin Judd will come in as this guy for Halloween!

i am the worlds greatest babysitter! yesterday, i was asked to babysit brett mejasics babies. i knew how ugly brett is, so i was prepared for the worst. i had no idea what i was about to walk in on. bretts babies were the most appauling babies i had ever seen. they were absolutely disgusting.  once brett left with his wife, i watched the little demon spawns. but 5 minutes after watching them, i realized they were actual demon babies. one spun his head around in a full 360, and the other spat up blood. i knew what i had to do, i had to perform an exorcism. but as soon as i started, they only got angrier and started climbing up and down the walls. i noticed the size of their fangs and realized that they were not only the spawn of satan, but they were vampires as well. i knew this day would come. so i pulled out my holy water shampoo,  and drenched the little babies. they turned back to normal and the deed had been done. i saved many lives that day, and prevented the upcoming apocalypse that were to come. so if you happen to see brett mejasic in school or while you are wandering around town, just remember, hes satan's minion.
     by the way, this is bretts wife.

dragons! they are everywhere! they tried to eat me last night, but i escaped under a lemon tree. they chased me through the great fields of dragonianvalivion. i had no choice but to sacrifice my pet unicorn, lufawnda, so they would spare my life. the dragon ended mating with my unicorn and it thanked me for helping him find the love of his life. as a token of their appreciation, they gave me their child, pegasus. pegasus and i flew off into the sunset and we lived happily ever after.

yesterday, i was sitting under a maple tree eating my peanut butter, cheese, mayonaisse, onion, and tuna sandwich when an acorn fell on my head. i looked at the acorn and thought that maybe if i paint it gold, i could sell it on ebay as a golden acorn and get a couple thousand dollars. but all of a sudden, i was attacked by seven squirrels. they clawed and bit and ran up and down the inside of my pants and shirt. i unloaded my super kung fu on them and they surrendered. the leader then spoke, "how dare you steal from our tree, give us our nut back." i made them a deal that if i gave it back to them, they would have to join me on my league of justice. he agreed and from then on we formed an alliance. i taught them kung fu and they raised me to be one of their own. i learned to climb trees, attack mailmen, and hibernate for the winter. We became one and formed our own league of justice, fighting crime wherever crime may be. whenever their is a cry in the dark or violence in the night, we will be their. we shall serve justice on a silver platter of vengeance and rage, because we are...... The Society of Squirrels!

last week, i bought a brand new sweater. i was very proud of this sweater and was walking down the street with an enormous amount of swag. when all of a sudden, i was grabbed from the shadows and knocked out. when i woke up, i was surrounded by ninjas. i asked them what they wanted and they responded " we are the league of the sweater ninjas. we own the best sweaters in all the land and we do not like how fancy your sweater is." i was immediately terrified knowing what they were about to do. they pulled out mustard and began to open fire. but they were unaware i already learned the art of the ninjas when i was a fetus in my mothers belly. i did a triple flip kick and dodged their oncoming bullets. i deflected their mustard back at the fancy sweaters they were wearing and defeated them all. i walked up to the head ninja, took off his mask, and found out it was none other than.... Elton John! i spared his life that day, but only because i love his song " can you feel the love tonight." so remember kids, when you try to sneak up on Commander James Quinlan, be prepared to get karate chopped in the face.

if i could do anything or go anywhere, i would go back in time to 9/11 with the powers of superman and stop 9/11 from ever happening. i would stand in the cockpit when the terrorists tried to take over and melt their faces off with my heat vision when they walked through the door. i would then fly to the other airplanes, take the terrorists back to my house, freeze them from the feet to the neck, hang them upside down, and use their heads as a speed bag to train for boxing. i would have prevented 9/11 from ever happening and everybody would be saved. i would tell you what i would do to bin laden when i would have caught him, but that image is a little too violent even for this blog.

today, I, Commander James Quinlan, have solved world hunger. I have successfully mated a cow with a gusher to create the worlds first candy cow. I have done this by impregnating a female cow with the juice inside of a gusher to create a baby cow that not only has the body of a gusher, but you can milk this cow to get the delectable sweets that lie inside, such as MM's, Twizzlers, Reese's, milk duds, etc. with these cows, we can end world hunger. People of earth... your welcome.

I sit here in this dark dark room with this dark dark shirt and these dark dark pants and these dark dark socks and I wonder why the hell I painted the rest of my body with glow in the dark paint. It started out as a prank where I lay behind a dumpster In a dark alley and pretend I had just fallen from the sky when people walked by.  Yes it worked and some people even called the cops, but now I sit here with my skin burning and my eyes singing from the now running paint dripping down my forehead and wonder was it really worth it? ......... HELL YEA!!!!!!

a couple of posts ago, i wrote about the possibility of the wizard world invading earth and taking us over. This will most likely happen because of Lindsay Lohan, but that is beside the point. the day is inevitable and harry potter will come to defeat us all. We will all be doomed and humanity will  be ruled under the dictatorship of harry potter. Until one day, the sky will glow in a golden light. the clouds will separate and we will all witness 6 horses fly through the sky with a diamond chariot attached to the back. and who is in this chariot other than... CHUCK NORRIS! Chuck Norris created magic in his basement while he was eating fruit loops and squatting a humpback whale that he accidently killed while searching for Atlantis (which he found and uses as his bachelor pad). He disabled magic with a flick of his mustache and defeated harry potter with a flex of his pex. he now keeps harry potter as a pet in his basement who he plays with in his spare time when hes not stopping Godzilla from destroying Japan. the moral of this story is that Chuck Norris is a boss, and harry potter is a wussy.

last night, i was shampooing my hair with holy water to stop the evil voices i was hearing in my head , when  a little leprechaun walked in on me. i asked the little fellow, "hello little guy, what are you doing here?" and then he pulled out a wand and yelled, "NONE SHALL STEAL MY LUCKY CHARMS!!!!" and cast a spell on me. i woke up later as a turtle in a giant bowl of lucky charms. little leprechauns started dropping from the ceiling and  pouring milk on me. as they leaned in to eat me, i remembered what my sensai told me about fighting leprechauns. so i pulled out a razor blade and shaved off all their beards. without their beards, they all lost their powers. i spared their lives that day, and in return they are all now my personal slaves.
 

People of earth, heed my warning! sometime in the foreseeable future, phil collins and michael bolton are going to make a song together and it is going to be the greatest song ever created! none of us will be able to pay any attention to our bodily functions or whats going on in the outside world and we will all die! some of you will even vanish into thin air just because of the epicness of the song. this is how the world is going to end! be very careful that you do not fall into the trance of this song because if you do, then we're all  doomed!

A couple months ago, i got married. the marriage was going good until one day my wife asks me, " honey, why do you keeping pouring apple juice on yourself everyday?" i answered, " i read a blog last month that apple juice prevents you from being abducted by aliens." She laughed at me and mocked me for the rest of the day. one week later, i found out that she left me because i turned into a psychopath. I was very depressed, but not depressed enough to be abducted by aliens, so i kept pouring apple juice on myself. one day i was walking around town when i heard on the news that she had been abducted by aliens. Who's laughing now?!?!

Welcome Back!
today, i would like to discuss the evils of wizardry. i believe that if we dont harness the full potential of our minds, we will never be able to learn telepathy and fight the harry potter universe when they invade our world. somewhere in the seventh realm, they sit there watching us through their mystical ball. they are waiting for us to become weak and attack. this is why we must do brain pushups and situps so we may strengthen our mind for when they attack. i would also like to add that whoever stole my albert einstein wig, can you please return it? i need it as a sacrifice to offer up so i can create the first model of the strongest brain alive. I already have a rabits foot and an eagles feather. the wig is the last ingredient i need. thank you.

hello world, welcome to my brain!

My name is Sir James Quinlan and i would like to discuss my three favorite web sites. if you do not like this, then you can leave. My third favorite website is facebook. i like to keep track of my friends and read their posts so i know none of them are plotting against me in the near future. My second favorite website is youtube. When i am down and depressed, i like to watch the video of the sneezing panda and challenging myself with the videos titled "try to watch this without laughing." My all time favorite website is runescape. I like to go on every once in a while when i am angry to slay some ogres and pwn some noobs. these are my all time favorite websites that i like to go to.